The Newburyport Local Historic District (LHD) Musical, the Conspiracy Number

I’m thinking about a second number for Newburyport’s Local Historic District (LHD) musical, “LHD-Bombshell” (working title, see previous posts).

As I’ve said in earlier posts we have the John Birch Society mixed in with this wild LHD concoction. Again, you can’t make this stuff up.  So they’re not going to make an appearance in the musical?  Forget it. This is way too yummy.

So this is what I’m thinking, we have a guy decked out in a suit, gray hair slicked back, emerging center stage, the lights go dim to bright on him and he bursts out with the new musical number, “It’s a conspiracy.”  The lyrics go something like, “It’s a conspiracy, the LHD is a UN conspiracy. Historic preservation destroys the masses.”

And then we have the lady who’s on tape (see earlier post) who accused the Mayor of Newburyport and the LHD Study Committee of conspiracy (and if she was willing to say this on tape, she must believe it, right?) and we have her character emerge from behind the John Birch character, and burst into song with, “Yes, it’s a conspiracy, the LHD will ruin your life!”

And when I felt this whole weird LHD mess was because of the John Birch Society, and some of our more right wing conspiracy minded Republican friends, I thought to myself, “That’s unrealistic Mary, the Republicans in Newburyport are out numbered by the Democrats.” (Although there are Republicans that support Newburyport’s LHD, this is not just a Democrat liberal agenda thing by any means–it’s most definitely non-partisan.)

So we got to have the townies in this number.

In the musical “The Producers” where they have the musical number with the little old ladies and the walkers and everyone gasps at first. Well, I think I’m going to borrow from that one.  The townies, like it or not, are a dying breed here in Newburyport, forced out by gentrification and higher taxes, and they are pissed.

So I’m thinking we have one townie with a walker, and maybe 7 or 8  eventually emerge, and they burst out into song, “They (the Birchers) are so good at this, shall we let them just have their way.” The lyrics go something like, “They’ll get rid of these elitist blow-in carpetbaggers, the ridiculous architectural gestapo, taste-police!”  You get the idea.

Will the curtain go up on the musical "LHD-Bombshell" (working title).
Will the curtain go up on the musical "LHD-Bombshell" (working title).

And then at the end, the LHD Study Committee shuffles in as a group; they do a huddle, and then turn around and look at the Birchers and the townies in the walkers, and kneel down and huddle again. They are now center stage with the Birchers and the townies singing wildly on either side (clearly this is another ensemble number).

And then the singing stops, the lights are just on the LHD Study Committee huddle, and then one member stands up, dressed in a suit, looking dapper, spotlight just on him.

It goes something like this. The LHD Study Committee character, living here in Newburyport let’s say for well over 40 years (still considered a carpetbagger), “My…(pause)… We are in a shit storm… (pause)  And we are surrounded by crazy people.”

Lights out. The conspiracy musical number, “LHD-Bomshell” (working title).